I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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