The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
