maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
what day is it and did you see me today?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
