My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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