so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Randomize
