i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
