I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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