I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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