got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Alive.
So much puke
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
