my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
