From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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