you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
