WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
