Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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