so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
