Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
