I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
