Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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