I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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