we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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