I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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