i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
