I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
