I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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