I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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