so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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