Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
