while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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