I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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