if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
