I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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