Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Mom said you looked used
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
