im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
