you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She announced her abortion via fbk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
