good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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