did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
