No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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