he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
