i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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