She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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