my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
