I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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