Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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