Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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