I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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