I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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