how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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