I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
