dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
