You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
