I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
