Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dicks are not precious.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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