Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
