YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
