How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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