i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
