i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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