he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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