Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
